Its been one of those days where I am just down. I haven't really had one of these days in a long time. Or so I tell myself ;)
Back in June, when visiting my family in Texas, I came to the realization that yes I do suffer from depression. I had to admit it to myself. Thoughts of failure held me back from getting help. Thoughts that I shouldn't be on pills and that I could do it on my own, be happy on my own, held me back. A talk and girls' night with my sister Sarah (thanks sis!) made me realize that to be happy I needed to seek help. I needed to do it for me, my boys and my husband.
I came home and went back and forth on rather it was just the stress of the trip, sleeping in a hotel room.. and knowing that I had to leave my family behind when we left that really had me down and acting psycho that week.. or if I really was like that all the time. I took some time to look back and realize how damaging my actions were the past who-knows how many years.
Finally, I knew something needed to change. There's a history on both sides of my family for depression. I knew that some of it could be hereditary but also some was me and my thinking and my brain.
I scheduled a "physical" so that I could talk to my doctor without it being the MAIN reason I went. After getting my blood work done (which despite my weight, I am perfectly healthy), I had to answer lots of questions on how severe my depression was. My doctor, who is wonderful, reassured me that I am not the only one who feels this way. And also reassured me that I wouldn't need to be on pills my whole life. That through work on my part (losing weight) and the pills I could retrain my brain and thinking. I got on the pills and I was feeling better almost immediately!
Now enter my super woman impression... I was starting to WANT to lose weight. Then I jumped out a window and I can't walk or put pressure on my leg. I got close to full recovery and then had to have another surgery because I put pressure on my leg and it messed up the screws.
So bringing it back to today... I am finally taking my pills everyday and I feel happy. Except today- which I am still WAY happier than I've been but just feeling sad.. and I think I can have a day of being down every once in a while compared to feeling this way every.single.day. I can't believe, looking back, that I didn't get help before now.
Today.. I am feeling lonely. I haven't made any good friends yet in my ward or even in Utah. Except my sister in laws and Laralee from Snow College (which was SEVEN years ago). I know I have my little family and my BEST friend Adam.. But a girl needs some girlfriends! I know eventually I will make friends.. just now I am busy with the boys' school and working nights. And to be honest, I am hesitant to make friends. I don't know why. My insecurities come out. I feel REALLY young in this ward. Mostly everyone has teens or older than Cayden's age kids.. and so therefore are in a different stage in life than me. I am a young mom. I had Cayden when I was 20! Most of the moms and women in the ward are over 30. Granted I am going to be 26 in less than a month.. but in my mind I still feel like I am 18. And 18 was not a good age for me.. None of my teen years really were..
Anyway.. enough babbling.. time to get over the sadness and just BE! Be with my boys.. Be happy.. There is so much to BE happy about in life! Time to go count my blessings!
3 comments:
Those days are no fun, but it's good to know that not everyday will be like it. It's hard admitting s problem and seeking help, so good for you for being a good mom and wife and getting help when you need it. And like the doctor said, you won't need to take pills for the rest of your life. Vitamin B is a great, natural anti-depressant. Maybe it'd be something to try down the road.
And I feel for you being the youngest in the ward! I had Cohen at 19! It took me awhile to make friends too because I felt so out of place. But, just because they're 10 years older(or more) doesn't mean they won't make good friends... I know this now! :)
Sorry for the long comment, just wanted you to know you're not alone! You're awesome girl!
I wish I could be there, then we could be girlfriends! I totally understand how you're feeling there. But actually, I recall in Rexburg I was totally better friends with the older ladies because I felt like they loved me and I didn't feel judged or out of place. Now here, I just don't have friends because we're moving again....lol. Anyway, I wish you the best and I'm so glad you're feeling happier!
Jennifer, you've always been so sweet to me by keeping in touch. You are a great friend, even if that doesn't mean we actually hang out. And suffering from depression is hard, I've had it since I was 15. Having kids made it even worse for a time. But I take pills everyday, and have for many years, but that's ok. They help me and I am grateful for that. I also had counseling but honestly, the pills help more. It's ok to reach out for help, and SO many people have it. It's easy to hide. HUGS!!
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