day one

this morning I was a ball of nerves. shivering like crazy.

Had amazing nurses, anesthesiologist, and my foot doctor all put me at ease, making jokes and just reassuring how quick it'd be.

they gave me "happy" stuff in my IV and then gave me a mask to take deep breaths in with a "see you in a few".

woke up thinking we hadn't started yet.

apparently adam was in the waiting room for 2 yrs til he was called back when I was in the 2nd recovery room.

I got so much pain meds. and my brain is so foggy right now. I'm not a big fan of it. but I'd rather not feel the stitches in my foot. or the pain.

I have an amazing husband. he has done everything to help me without complaining :) I love him.

"a living will..."

I was going over my instructions for my surgery on Tuesday.. and there's a list of things to bring. And number 3 on the list was.. yep you guessed it.. a living will.

now, i've been "put out" before for my wisdom teeth and when I was a baby girl getting tubes. 

side note- I don't have a lot of memories about my child hood but I do remember being wheeled off in a red wagon to the surgery and my uncle Ed (who was an ENT) pulling me and smiling. And then waking up to him and my mom. The red wagon might be wrong.. not sure :)

I've also had surgery - 2 c-sections. Those were major and didn't really cause as much as pain as anticipated. 

But... I'm nervous.  I have this horribly morbid thought that I'm going to die on the table from a foot surgery. I'm not really sure how i feel about being "put out" and waking up in what will seem like 20 seconds. 

I'm also nervous about getting an infection, having it bust open again, the pain, having to wear a boot for 3 weeks and using crutches. 

I'm a ball of nerves! Probably why my face has decided that I'm a 14 year old girl again. :) yay for me! Oh.. and not to be TOO personal- but here it goes.. I'm due for my "special visitor" tomorrow too... YAY! I can't be more excited I tell ya! 

Now off to clean for my Father in law who is coming over to watch the boys... Fabulous! :) our house is a wreck since I fell down my stairs. I think I can finally laugh about that now.. haha :)

stairs suck.

Wednesday I took a fall... well actually more like slide.. down my stairs. while trying to carry creighton and the laptop... Creighton's fine. The Lap top... not so much. The screen is toast. Me? HA... as I was sliding down a good portion of my stairs my left leg was caught in a bent position. I could NOT walk for a few minutes the pain was horrible.

Here it is 2 days later and it still hurts. but only when I slightly twist my knee from the straight position. Which you find out when your knee hurts is almost in every thing you do! getting up- hurts. sitting down- hurts. stretching- hurts. climbing stairs- hurts. descending stairs- hurts the most. getting out of bed- hurts.

but I've adapted to different ways to get up, out and down..

funny thing is... I can totally put all my pressure on it and I'm a-OK! weird right? which is good since I have surgery on my foot on Tuesday. and of COURSE the foot is on the end of the other leg. haha. boo.

only 2 more nights of work. and 4 more days til my surgery. I'm freaking out. but not as much as I probably would have been before the knee incident. oh boy.

One more thing. Before this happened, I had this thought... "maybe I should take down the lap top so my hands aren't full and I won't fall......" yeah.. maybe I should have listened? yep.. Lesson learned.

Good chooooiice or Bad chooooiice?

In Primary on Sunday a couple of cool things happened.

Cayden got a CTR ring and he's SO excited bout it. Even if we've already lost it.. whoops. Hoping to find it by Sunday.

Also, in our Sharing Time we talked about how our good and bad choices effected (right way to say it...?) our path back to Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father.  The lady drew a staircase on the white board leading to a picture of Jesus and a stick figure at the bottom of the stairs. And she gave different scenarios and the kids had to say if it was a good or a bad choice.  If it was a good choice the stick figure moved up a stair.  If it was a bad choice, the stick figure stayed put.

apparently a certain little someone payed attention. 

ignore the mop on his head.. ha

Cayden is coming up with some cute scenarios. And when he says choice he draws out the "oi" sound. I love it. I'm glad he is retaining something from the teaching at Church.  It amazes me how smart he is. And how well he talks now. 

It gives me faith in Creighton's speech therapy! He can do it! I can do it! (sorry for the whole depresso episode-o post before)

Part one of Creighton's Evaluation- Check!

Today was part one of Creighton's evaluation for his speech delay. 

He definitely qualifies.  He had to be below 7% in at least ONE of the areas he was tested and evaluated in. He was evaluated in 8 different areas. Only in one area (self help) he was above 9%, he's in the 25%. He LOVES to help get dressed and he feeds himself very well.  Two areas were 9% which is only a slight delay.  Seeing the numbers, I know it correlates with what I notice everyday.  But still.

I can't help but feel horrible. I know that the ladies told me that yes it can be a family trait and passed down. But still. I can't stop the feelings of failure. This is my 2nd child to have to have speech therapy. Clearly, I am not a good mother in that aspect. I give them love and food but knowledge? nothing apparently. 

Not saying this as a wo is me or pity me. I really feel like a failure. 

But all I can do is start fresh.  Every day is a new day to start again. So here's to new days and change. I'm done feeling like a failure in every aspect of my life. Everyday is a chance for me to be the me I want to be. Starting now. 

a new year..

I want to be a new me.

it all starts with my foot surgery. this fibroma-thingy is really hurting me. my whole foot is just throbbing. and when I've tried to go for a walk- it just kills. which doesn't help with my goal to be more active and lose weight.

I've decided to let the past be the past. Let all the toxicity that's been in my life just fall away. I don't need it. I deserve to be happy and not let anyone or anything get in the way of that.

I know I've already made my list. Just one of those days I need to write about how I'm feeling, well to an extent.

I've been thinking about our future lately. About how I'm going to deal with my boys as teens or even as each day passes. Thank goodness I know I have the help of my family and my Heavenly Father. I couldn't do anything without their help.

Crap. Another random, boring post. Oh well.