feelings.

There are so many feelings and thoughts racing through my head. Where to start?

On Mother's Day, I got this overwhelming feeling that I need to be a stay at home mother. I have never really gotten a feeling like that. {Except the feeling that our family isn't complete.} I am also not as spiritual as I should be. I couldn't believe the feeling. At first I thought it was just a thought and a hope that I've always had and wanted. But I just bawled, right there in the middle of struggling with my boys during the Sacrament talks.  Even now as I write about it, I am tearing up.  I know its what I need to do. It is just hard to have faith knowing how much debt we have. So I am trying to come up with a plan to get out of as much debt as possible in the next few months because I know I should be done working by the end of the year, if not before that. Faith is a tricky thing. I wish I could just have faith that we'd be fine.  But its hard.  And even thought I've worked maybe 10 or 12 days in the last month and we've been okay.. but where would that extra 200 dollars a paycheck come from?  We'd actually need at least 400-500 a paycheck to truly make it.

I love to blog hop. I happened upon this blog- Angels for Atticus.  This little boy has cancer. And his brave mom and dad write about what's going on. I don't know if I could do this. It must be theraputic. In reading this, I've gained more appreciation for my sons' health. Not to make light of what they are going through. I'm not sure if I could go through a trial this big.  I've always known that everyone has trials in their life.  People will have a really big trial. I always wonder what my big trial will be. I just pray that when there is a big trial that I will turn to the Lord and my Heavenly Father.  That is what this dear family has done.  They have put their trust in the Lord and know that Him and Heavenly Father have a plan for Atticus.  I know They have a plan for all of us. I pray for this family that they will continually turn to Jesus and Heavenly Father and that they will find comfort and peace in this time of need. I know that They are the only ones that can do that for them.

Plans. Timing. I know Heavenly father And Jesus have a plan for me.  They also have Their timing. We have been trying to get pregnant for a while. I would date it back 10 months or so. Actually now thinking about it, I think its closer to 5 or 6 months. Either way, I know it takes a while especially after birth control.  It takes a while for your body to get back on track with ovulating and all that.  If I can be a little too informative.. I haven't had a normal period in a while.  I haven't had anything for at least 2 months. So when nothing comes lately, I get all excited and think I'm preggers. But I'm not. I have read that this happens.  But its taking longer than expected. Longer than I want it to.  But I have to believe the feeling I get almost every day, that our family isn't completed. We have another little spirit just waiting patiently to come join us down here. I just need to be patient and wait for the Lord's timing and trust in that.