Its been one of those days where I am just down. I haven't really had one of these days in a long time. Or so I tell myself ;)
Back in June, when visiting my family in Texas, I came to the realization that yes I do suffer from depression. I had to admit it to myself. Thoughts of failure held me back from getting help. Thoughts that I shouldn't be on pills and that I could do it on my own, be happy on my own, held me back. A talk and girls' night with my sister Sarah (thanks sis!) made me realize that to be happy I needed to seek help. I needed to do it for me, my boys and my husband.
I came home and went back and forth on rather it was just the stress of the trip, sleeping in a hotel room.. and knowing that I had to leave my family behind when we left that really had me down and acting psycho that week.. or if I really was like that all the time. I took some time to look back and realize how damaging my actions were the past who-knows how many years.
Finally, I knew something needed to change. There's a history on both sides of my family for depression. I knew that some of it could be hereditary but also some was me and my thinking and my brain.
I scheduled a "physical" so that I could talk to my doctor without it being the MAIN reason I went. After getting my blood work done (which despite my weight, I am perfectly healthy), I had to answer lots of questions on how severe my depression was. My doctor, who is wonderful, reassured me that I am not the only one who feels this way. And also reassured me that I wouldn't need to be on pills my whole life. That through work on my part (losing weight) and the pills I could retrain my brain and thinking. I got on the pills and I was feeling better almost immediately!
Now enter my super woman impression... I was starting to WANT to lose weight. Then I jumped out a window and I can't walk or put pressure on my leg. I got close to full recovery and then had to have another surgery because I put pressure on my leg and it messed up the screws.
So bringing it back to today... I am finally taking my pills everyday and I feel happy. Except today- which I am still WAY happier than I've been but just feeling sad.. and I think I can have a day of being down every once in a while compared to feeling this way every.single.day. I can't believe, looking back, that I didn't get help before now.
Today.. I am feeling lonely. I haven't made any good friends yet in my ward or even in Utah. Except my sister in laws and Laralee from Snow College (which was SEVEN years ago). I know I have my little family and my BEST friend Adam.. But a girl needs some girlfriends! I know eventually I will make friends.. just now I am busy with the boys' school and working nights. And to be honest, I am hesitant to make friends. I don't know why. My insecurities come out. I feel REALLY young in this ward. Mostly everyone has teens or older than Cayden's age kids.. and so therefore are in a different stage in life than me. I am a young mom. I had Cayden when I was 20! Most of the moms and women in the ward are over 30. Granted I am going to be 26 in less than a month.. but in my mind I still feel like I am 18. And 18 was not a good age for me.. None of my teen years really were..
Anyway.. enough babbling.. time to get over the sadness and just BE! Be with my boys.. Be happy.. There is so much to BE happy about in life! Time to go count my blessings!
the happenings of my bunch of boys and me
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Friday, October 19, 2012
Just call me Humpty Dumpty
Monday October 8th I was working on fixing Creighton's door knob. Since switching his crib into a toddler bed, Creighton doesn't like to STAY put. So being the mean and lazy parents that we are, we put one of those child lock things on the door knob on the inside. Well creighton is just too smart and strong because he could undo those child locks. Even if we superglued them closed. ha! We were desperate to keep him in there!
After dropping off Cayden, I went to Lowe's to buy a lockable door knob. I was so proud of myself for actually doing it! So proud. Creighton was playing in the front room with blocks or something. I closed to door to test it. I went to go open it up again. JAMMED! I tried and tried for a good 20 minutes. After that I had about 20 minutes to get Cayden from PreK. So I had this BRILLIANT idea to jump out the window. We're only in a one story house (with a basement). The window didn't look that far from the ground. I got up the nerve to just do it.
The minute I hit the ground I knew I broke my leg. I tried to lift it and I screamed from the pain and the feeling of my foot going all jiggly. I had the good thought before jumping out to throw my phone down too. Good thing since I could not move at all. I called 911. (first time ever doing that) I probably cursed a few times. They sent a police officer to make sure Creighton, who was still in the house doing who knows what, was okay. They also sent 2 fire trucks and an ambulance which resulted in 20 EMTs and firefighters all in my backyard and asking me questions. They helped call my father in law, Cayden's school and Adam. They got an IV started. I got on the stretcher and they wheeled me to the front of the house to the ambulance I thought. But I got to ride in the firetruck. Sweet! It was the bumpest ride of my life. They gave me pain meds. It was going to be morphine but it was expired. Who knew that magical drug expired..
Adam eventually met me in my ER room. They took x-rays. I got to have lots of morphine. I think I got maxed out on it. After the x-ray, they came to show me.
1. The obvious break in my fibula. Crazy.
2. that little round thing should be rotated up and in between my tibia and my ankle.
Because of the number 2 in the x-ray, I had to get my foot reset. For that to happen, I had to get put out. I was only out for about 10 minutes. And in that 10 minutes, they reset my ankle and put a temporary cast on my leg and ankle. And apparently even thought I was out and sedated pretty well for it, I moaned out of pain a lot.
After that, I was moved to a real room and I had to stay the night. I was scheduled for surgery the next day (Cayden's birthday).
Toni, Adam's sister, was awesome and nice enough to come stay with me so that Adam could go home with the kids. We stayed up real late talking. I think we slept or about 2 hours total. I kept falling asleep and I would jolt awake and that jolt would shot pain up my leg and ankle! Hurt so bad. (I still do that too.. so annoying) But my night nurse that night was awesome! She kept us laughing and talking. And she was fast with bringing me pain pills. And not to get TOO personal, but because I was on strict bed rest I couldn't get up to go to the bathroom. I had to get a catheter And let me tell you.. they feel a heck of a lot different when you don't have a spinal block in (c-section).
I couldn't eat after midnight which I was okay with thinking that I'd have my surgery in the morning. Turns out there were TEN surgeries previously scheduled before I could get scheduled. My surgery was at 4 pm. I got wheeled to the pre-surgery room and waited almost an hour. Adam was there with me. He's awesome. but I'll write more on that in an other post.
They said my surgery would take an hour, maybe hour and a half. But it took 3 hours! I don't know exact details of amounts but I know there are pins and a plate to help my ligaments. and they will all stay in unless they cause problems.
After the surgery I was able to eat! and it was SO tasty which is a shock for the hospital.
I stayed over one more night. And we left around 2 pm the next day.
The Monday after my awesome little sister came to help out.. and to find a modest wedding dress. It was awesome!! she was SUCH a great help!! and the boys loved her!!
The morning after she got here I had my one week follow-up. Adam took these pictures and then excused himself to the waiting room. These are the incisions with the staples in. They removed the staples, put some steri strips over the incisions and then some gauze over those. Then they wrapped my leg in an ace bandage and put me in a boot. My foot is still SUPER swollen. My right foot is about as swollen with all the extra weight being put on it.
I don't have a picture of my actual boot. But that's almost EXACTLY the boot I am wearing. And yes that is a pump to inflate the area around my ankle. Adam cracked up saying it looked like those Air Jordan shoes from back in the 90s with the pump in the tongue.. haha.. This boot is SO heavy. It almost hurts more because of the extra weight.
I am still non-weight bearing for SIX more weeks! it is very frustrating having to use both hands to handle the crutches. So I can't carry anyone or anything. And have to rely on Adam to do the laundry and the dishes and the cooking.. Its getting old. I actually miss being able to help and do things MY way!
I'll get over it. Eventually :) Meanwhile I'll be the one hobblingalong withy my crutches..
After dropping off Cayden, I went to Lowe's to buy a lockable door knob. I was so proud of myself for actually doing it! So proud. Creighton was playing in the front room with blocks or something. I closed to door to test it. I went to go open it up again. JAMMED! I tried and tried for a good 20 minutes. After that I had about 20 minutes to get Cayden from PreK. So I had this BRILLIANT idea to jump out the window. We're only in a one story house (with a basement). The window didn't look that far from the ground. I got up the nerve to just do it.
The minute I hit the ground I knew I broke my leg. I tried to lift it and I screamed from the pain and the feeling of my foot going all jiggly. I had the good thought before jumping out to throw my phone down too. Good thing since I could not move at all. I called 911. (first time ever doing that) I probably cursed a few times. They sent a police officer to make sure Creighton, who was still in the house doing who knows what, was okay. They also sent 2 fire trucks and an ambulance which resulted in 20 EMTs and firefighters all in my backyard and asking me questions. They helped call my father in law, Cayden's school and Adam. They got an IV started. I got on the stretcher and they wheeled me to the front of the house to the ambulance I thought. But I got to ride in the firetruck. Sweet! It was the bumpest ride of my life. They gave me pain meds. It was going to be morphine but it was expired. Who knew that magical drug expired..
Adam eventually met me in my ER room. They took x-rays. I got to have lots of morphine. I think I got maxed out on it. After the x-ray, they came to show me.
1. The obvious break in my fibula. Crazy.
2. that little round thing should be rotated up and in between my tibia and my ankle.
Because of the number 2 in the x-ray, I had to get my foot reset. For that to happen, I had to get put out. I was only out for about 10 minutes. And in that 10 minutes, they reset my ankle and put a temporary cast on my leg and ankle. And apparently even thought I was out and sedated pretty well for it, I moaned out of pain a lot.
After that, I was moved to a real room and I had to stay the night. I was scheduled for surgery the next day (Cayden's birthday).
Toni, Adam's sister, was awesome and nice enough to come stay with me so that Adam could go home with the kids. We stayed up real late talking. I think we slept or about 2 hours total. I kept falling asleep and I would jolt awake and that jolt would shot pain up my leg and ankle! Hurt so bad. (I still do that too.. so annoying) But my night nurse that night was awesome! She kept us laughing and talking. And she was fast with bringing me pain pills. And not to get TOO personal, but because I was on strict bed rest I couldn't get up to go to the bathroom. I had to get a catheter And let me tell you.. they feel a heck of a lot different when you don't have a spinal block in (c-section).
I couldn't eat after midnight which I was okay with thinking that I'd have my surgery in the morning. Turns out there were TEN surgeries previously scheduled before I could get scheduled. My surgery was at 4 pm. I got wheeled to the pre-surgery room and waited almost an hour. Adam was there with me. He's awesome. but I'll write more on that in an other post.
They said my surgery would take an hour, maybe hour and a half. But it took 3 hours! I don't know exact details of amounts but I know there are pins and a plate to help my ligaments. and they will all stay in unless they cause problems.
After the surgery I was able to eat! and it was SO tasty which is a shock for the hospital.
I stayed over one more night. And we left around 2 pm the next day.
The Monday after my awesome little sister came to help out.. and to find a modest wedding dress. It was awesome!! she was SUCH a great help!! and the boys loved her!!
The morning after she got here I had my one week follow-up. Adam took these pictures and then excused himself to the waiting room. These are the incisions with the staples in. They removed the staples, put some steri strips over the incisions and then some gauze over those. Then they wrapped my leg in an ace bandage and put me in a boot. My foot is still SUPER swollen. My right foot is about as swollen with all the extra weight being put on it.
I am still non-weight bearing for SIX more weeks! it is very frustrating having to use both hands to handle the crutches. So I can't carry anyone or anything. And have to rely on Adam to do the laundry and the dishes and the cooking.. Its getting old. I actually miss being able to help and do things MY way!
I'll get over it. Eventually :) Meanwhile I'll be the one hobblingalong withy my crutches..
Friday, September 21, 2012
Proud Momma Moments
*Creighton had his 6 month review for his speech. He's still at 12 months for language. BUT he's improved in all the other areas. He also is improving in the last few weeks for his speech. He is starting to babble CONSTANTLY which is a good sign. He is also starting to use a sound with his gestures for when he wants something.
*We are working on signing for stuff so his frustration doesn't get out of control. He gets that he has to sign "more" for more drink, food, snack.. or even more fun! For example, he LOVES to rock in his glider.. so I've turned it into a game where I'll rock him saying "push.. push.. push.." then' I'll stop. then wait for him to A. look at me (working on his eye contact) then B. for him to sign "more" for me to keep going. Then if he doesn't, I say "Creighton Look at Mommy.." "want more push?" (while signing more).. Usually then he'll put his hands in my hands to help him to sign it.
*Another thing that has changed.. he has mastered the stairs! Which at his 6 month review, he couldn't do that. He can go up and down while actually walking up and down.. no bum scooting down or knees going up. Its very exciting!
*Cayden LOVES school. He has had a couple bad days. Its usually because someone does something. Another kid drew on his picture and "ruined" it. But he re-drew the picture exactly how it was, minus the unwanted lines.
*His school is doing a letter a day and after I talk with him about what the day's letter was he lets me know what the next school day's letter will be. He's just too smart.
*He did SO good with his teeth. I am very tempted to post the video of him on nitrous oxide since he was hilarious! He is also adorable talking without his top two.
*Cayden is a big kid. I look at all the kids that come out of school (the ones on MWF that are all the year before Kindergarten) and I am shocked he's going to be going to Kindergarten with them. He is going to tower over them.. like he already does. Class pictures (do they still do those?) will be interesting! :)
*We are working on signing for stuff so his frustration doesn't get out of control. He gets that he has to sign "more" for more drink, food, snack.. or even more fun! For example, he LOVES to rock in his glider.. so I've turned it into a game where I'll rock him saying "push.. push.. push.." then' I'll stop. then wait for him to A. look at me (working on his eye contact) then B. for him to sign "more" for me to keep going. Then if he doesn't, I say "Creighton Look at Mommy.." "want more push?" (while signing more).. Usually then he'll put his hands in my hands to help him to sign it.
*Another thing that has changed.. he has mastered the stairs! Which at his 6 month review, he couldn't do that. He can go up and down while actually walking up and down.. no bum scooting down or knees going up. Its very exciting!
*Cayden LOVES school. He has had a couple bad days. Its usually because someone does something. Another kid drew on his picture and "ruined" it. But he re-drew the picture exactly how it was, minus the unwanted lines.
*His school is doing a letter a day and after I talk with him about what the day's letter was he lets me know what the next school day's letter will be. He's just too smart.
*He did SO good with his teeth. I am very tempted to post the video of him on nitrous oxide since he was hilarious! He is also adorable talking without his top two.
*Cayden is a big kid. I look at all the kids that come out of school (the ones on MWF that are all the year before Kindergarten) and I am shocked he's going to be going to Kindergarten with them. He is going to tower over them.. like he already does. Class pictures (do they still do those?) will be interesting! :)
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
My next couple of months..
I have royally screwed us with finances. Because I didn't go to work more than half of my days of work and therefore every dollar is being stretched and I am surprised that I don't have a HUGE cold sore from the stress!
Probably shared too much. But now you get my stress.. :)
Now.. I am prepared for some cold sores in the future, also some lack of sleep. But hopefully NOT a lot of "flip outs" on my familia.
To fix the financial situation, I am going to 40 hrs of week. BAHH!! I am scheduled 30 hrs now.. But rarely get that many hours. With pretours and force outs or early outs, I never get 30 hrs! So with 40 hrs I'll be working PAST the "end tours" that are forced or let out early. Therefore, I will be GETTING 40 hrs! I am stoked for the paychecks.
I am NOT stoked for the hours and the time I'll be done with work. What sucks is that I have to work around Adam's schedule. Some nights he works til 7 so I have to work at 8.. which means 8 hrs later with a 30 min lunch would be 4:30... Home by 5.. thats FIVE AM IN THE MORNING!! haha.. wowsers.. Next week starts my 8 hr nights.. And 3 of the nights I have to work 8:30 pm to 5 am. Thank goodness Adam works later in the day or has the day off after that.
Now on to the Kids.
Creighton has a sensory class that is going to HOPEFULLY *fingers crossed* help with his speech and communication. It is Monday and Wednesday at NINE AM! Yikers.. we rarely wake up til 8:30.. And after not getting home til 5 am.. it'll be fun stuff.
Cayden has preschool Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 1:30 to 3:30! I am so excited for him.. He's going to thrive and he's going to also be able to make friends! SO ecstatic about the possibilities for him!!
BUT that is the time for "naps" I'll be tired for a long long time.. But I am only planning on working 40 hrs a week for 3 months to help us get back on track and get our debt down. Then I am hoping to be able to quit before Cayden starts Kindergarten!! And I am determined to make it happen. :)
Now.. give me some book recommendations! pleaseandthankyou I need to find lots of books to fill up 8 hrs a night! :)
Probably shared too much. But now you get my stress.. :)
Now.. I am prepared for some cold sores in the future, also some lack of sleep. But hopefully NOT a lot of "flip outs" on my familia.
To fix the financial situation, I am going to 40 hrs of week. BAHH!! I am scheduled 30 hrs now.. But rarely get that many hours. With pretours and force outs or early outs, I never get 30 hrs! So with 40 hrs I'll be working PAST the "end tours" that are forced or let out early. Therefore, I will be GETTING 40 hrs! I am stoked for the paychecks.
I am NOT stoked for the hours and the time I'll be done with work. What sucks is that I have to work around Adam's schedule. Some nights he works til 7 so I have to work at 8.. which means 8 hrs later with a 30 min lunch would be 4:30... Home by 5.. thats FIVE AM IN THE MORNING!! haha.. wowsers.. Next week starts my 8 hr nights.. And 3 of the nights I have to work 8:30 pm to 5 am. Thank goodness Adam works later in the day or has the day off after that.
Now on to the Kids.
Creighton has a sensory class that is going to HOPEFULLY *fingers crossed* help with his speech and communication. It is Monday and Wednesday at NINE AM! Yikers.. we rarely wake up til 8:30.. And after not getting home til 5 am.. it'll be fun stuff.
Cayden has preschool Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 1:30 to 3:30! I am so excited for him.. He's going to thrive and he's going to also be able to make friends! SO ecstatic about the possibilities for him!!
BUT that is the time for "naps" I'll be tired for a long long time.. But I am only planning on working 40 hrs a week for 3 months to help us get back on track and get our debt down. Then I am hoping to be able to quit before Cayden starts Kindergarten!! And I am determined to make it happen. :)
Now.. give me some book recommendations! pleaseandthankyou I need to find lots of books to fill up 8 hrs a night! :)
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Changes...
where to begin?
I am NOT a big fan of changes.. especially when it comes to work and my time with Adam and the boys..
Guess I'll start at the beginning...
The last 3 years we've been extremely lucky. Adam and I have been able to have pretty much opposite schedules. He would work 7 am to 3:30 pm and I'd work 7:30 pm to 1:30 am. Perfect right? I would have about 3 hrs with him before I had to work!
With Adam's work, there has been changes too. There was a new Warehouse Manager who came from the Lehi Costco. He does things a little different. Really, he does things the way its supposed to happen. The way things happen with supervisors, they are supposed to switch around every once in a while.. like every Fiscal year? Well Adam, he's been supervisor of the Deli for THREE years! yeah.. we've been lucky!
So the switch happened July 30th. He is now a Front End Supervisor. Ya know the ones with the red vests? (hehe) Yep that's Adam now, along with 8 others.
Now the part I am NOT a fan of. :)
Since he is working on the Front End, they usually don't work at 7 am since Costco doesn't open til 10 am! So.. The schedules don't start until 9:30 at the earliest! Which on an 8 hr shift is til 6 -which would work. BUT he has to CLOSE two nights a week as well. So his shifts are like 9:30-6, 10-6:30, 10:30-7, 1:30-10 (closing). AND he probably won't be closing on weekends (which is til 7 since Costco closes at 6:30 on weekends).
So my schedule is now 8-2am. Only a half hour later but it sucks big time. And I probably will have to work weekends since Adam's closing shifts will probably be during the week. Oh and his schedule won't be consistent EVERY week.. So I have to figure out his schedule and then fill out a paper every week saying what days I would like to work. Blah! Not fun! and a bit frustrating.. oh well :)
The only good things that come from this are I can't pretour (getting out of my shift for the night) because those are only available for people who work til 1:30 am or earlier. So I guess that's a good thing I'll get hours every night! maybe? I've enjoyed having only worked 2 nights a week... Killed the paycheck... but it was nice being home.
But in the words of Dave Ramsey...
I have the quote running through my head all the time, to get me through work and to get me through cooking dinner.
I have to make sure this doesn't come off as complaining.. cause really I am so grateful for my job and the opportunity to help with our income and to get our debt down! And as soon as we can live comfortably within Adam's check we will! I just don't want to quit (which I've thought about almost every night) and feel hopeless and scrap by when I can do my part now so later I can reap the benefits of being JUST a stay at home mom :)
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
FYI: TMI
Well it is going to be a TMI kind of post. I apologize.. You should stop reading now if you don't wanna know. But I feel the need to write this down.
Okay.. Still with me?
Good? ;)
So I have not had a normal monthly flow since Christmas. I wasn't too concerned since I had just stopped taking my birth control pills in order to try for baby #3. And I had read that usually your "monthlys" are irregular for awhile. Well 6 months is longer than a while and I took about 26 pregnant tests - all negative.
I decided to go to the doctor. I had to get my blood drawn so they could test for about half a dozen things, including a pregnancy test just to be sure. All came back negative. Which is a good thing.
My doctor told me in a nice way I was overweight. I figured that one out. But my hip fat is turning my estrogen into more estrogen.. (or something...) and therefore I am not ovulating, which is depressing especially when you're trying for another baby.
But it is my own fault.. I got myself into this state fat.
I also prayed that I would have the motivation to loose weight before trying for baby #3. Well here it is!! I have never been inspired or motivated to loose weight! I want baby #3!! And I will do anything to do it.. Even exercise- Yuck!
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